Japan Today: Japan News and Discussion

Okay, I'm bored.

I've decided that whenever I hit a lull, I'll try to post some of the random stuff that shows up in my numerous mailboxes. A lot of my mail is 'work related'. Not at all interesting to many I'm sure as it barely draws my interest.

But every once in a while ....

Please don't pray if I go into hospital
Interesting study of patients and whether or not they were aware of prayer before surgery.

Latest Shakira Video?
For some reason, this is NOT how I expected her to look.

For those who work in a cube farm, here's an article about what you're being called behind your back. Learn your Office Nickname.
I tried Jesus [Who?], Allah [Hot Lips] and then the both of them [Dildo]. Neato!
By the way, I'm apparently Crunchy Toast. [8|]

And where is our cub reporter; Trent; to update us on this story?
Porn Parade Down Under Outdraws Santa Claus

And I thought Nebraska was a safe state?
Man with 226th arrest breaks into top 40.

Sweet Mary, mother of god!
Chocolate factory worker sees Mother Mary in chocolate drippings.

(And I thought Nebraska was a safe state?
Man with 226th arrest breaks into top 40. )

You'd think after so much pratice, he'd get it right.

The title intrigued me but not as much as the fact there are thirty-nine people with MORE arrests.

Perhaps it's one of those oddities where 98% of the crime in Nebraska is done by forty or so incompetants? (^o^)

Your command is my wish. (^o^)

A man is shipwrecked on a deserted island for ten years. The island has just enough resources to barely keep him alive.

One day while he is looking out over the surf he sees something unusual in the water coming toward his little island. It's too small to be a boat he thinks finally it gets close enough for him to realize it's a girl on a wind surfer!

In fact a most beautiful girl that is wearing only a perfect fitting wetsuit.

As she lands on the beach and starts her way towards him he just can't believe his eyes.

She says hello and explains that she was wind surfing off her yacht when it exploded from god knows what and sank in minutes.

"Are you stranded here?" she asked.

"Yes I am" he says.

"For how long"?

"10 years".

"How long has it been since you have had a cigarette?" she asks.

"10 years".

At that she reaches into a pocket on her sleeve and produces a dry pack of smokes he lights one up.

"How long has it been since you've had a drink?" she asks.

"10 years " he says as he blows smoke.

At that she produces a flask from another pocket on the other arm of her wetsuit.

The man thinks this is just too good to be true as he drinks the brandy and smokes.

She then asks "how long has it been since you played around" as she starts to unzip her wetsuit.

The man starts to shake from the excitement and can barely contain himself and says.....

"Don't tell me you have a set of golf clubs in there"

=========================================================================
Painful tongue twister. Say it or else .... {video links}
Ouch!

For the dog of your choice. Eeyew!

For Monty Python Fans.
Monty Python - Spam

Monty Python - Parrot

The most cynical commercial I've seen
Touting a Ford for the divorced family? Kind of sad.

in my mailing box, I also got a tale of a man on deserted island for ten years.

A man was shipwrecked, and ended up on a deserted island, he had been there for ten years when he came upon a jeweled bottle on the beach. he pulled the stopper out of the bottle and out came a genie, the genie would grant him three wishes for setting him free.
make your first wish the genie told him. the man thought for awhile and said;i want no more wars in the world every country is to get along. the genie snaped his fingers and said it is done,
make your second wish.the mans next wish was no more sickness in the world, no aids no canser everyone to be well. the genie again snaped his fingers it is done.
now your third wish. the man paused and said, no more crime, no drugs, no rapes no murders. every one gets along. the genie snaped his fingers for the last time and said it is done , then he disapeared.
the man wished nothing for himself and remained on the island for ten more years. finally rescuded he ended up in Newyork City. he took a bus to the mid-west where he lived. the bus stopped in a small town, the man had noticed big tall apartment houses riseing over fifty stories people seemed to be everywhere. he saw a couple of old men setting on a bench, and asked about all the people, the old man said; a funny thing happened about ten years ago, theres no more deseases, no crime, no wars, the world is getting over populated. people are starving to death, theres no room to grow food,people are living to be over onehundard years old. the world is in terriable shape. i wish i could die.
BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR ,IT COULD COME TRUE.

More 'stuff' that showed up in my mail after the long weekend.

My next vacation - Nude Vermont
Teens and others get nude 'because they can'.

A not so gentle landing
Paraglider heads into mine field.

Too young for record
20" high boy cannot be shortest man for another four years.

Nearly Half of Chinese can't speak .. Chinese
Mandarin, the official language of the Peoples' Republic of China is spoken by 53%.

Be Careful With That Heart, Eugene!
After an autopsy on a tourist in Ireland, extra organs were thrown/sewn in.

Kids buy lunches with their fingers
Fingerprints are replacing PIN numbers.

911 Call
Who did they shoot? Hopefully, the 911 operator. {Audio clip}

Lemonade Prank
You use WHAT for water? Humorous Video.

Stay away from the Pringles!
Ah yes. Olestra. {Vulgar language in rant.}

If you have the same kind of boss I have.
Pretend you're on the Sopranos and Whack Your Boss!!
Video Game. Can you find all sixteen ways? I did.

After a week away in the mountains, I had a TON of emails in the different addresses I have. A lot of people wonder why I have so many different ones. I'm not really sure although a psychiatrist once told me I suffered from Multiple Personality Disorder. Trash. I didn't believe a word he said and neither did I. (^o^)

Here's more jokes, news stories and videos that arrived last week.

Sadly, he didn't die so no Darwin Award for him.

How I feel some days
And yes, I'd certainly have brought a supply of Drambouie.

A political comment on RIBBONS
Contains vulgarity.

A bad sea voyage
On October 5th, 1829 the schooner Mermaid sailed from Sydney, Australia, but sank in a storm on the fifth day out. All hands survived, and were rescued off a rock by the Swiftsure, which was dashed on rocks five days later. The Governor Ready rescued both crews, but caught fire and was abandoned. Everyone was rescued by the Comet which sank five days later, and all hands were rescued by the Jupiter, which struck a reef two days later. Everyone was rescued by the City of Leeds. On board was Sarah Richley, sailing from England in search for her son. 'By chance' her son was one of the crew on the Mermaid.


And I thought I raised attack cats.

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"

"Well, what should I do?", asks the man.

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asks the wife.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP -- the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet.

"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro says.

"Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands..."


Just so you know, Mark Foley; disgraced congressman (is there any other kind?) has checked into rehab after his resignation. He hopes he can begin a new chapter in his life. Although something tells me this one will have fewer pages.

Jeep and Snowmobile water race
Other than the sound being out of sync, rather interesting.

German Obeys Satellite Navigation

Another batch of weird news, jokes and video links I got in my mail.

SOFIA (Reuters) - A Bulgarian woman who killed her son was released from prison because of terminal cancer. She then went home and killed her husband, police said Tuesday.

The 57-year-old was sentenced to 15 years in jail for killing her 29-year-old son with a garden hoe in April 2005 while he was sleeping.

Last month, authorities judged her to be in the final stages of cancer and let her go home, where she stabbed her husband in the throat with a knife.

"It was established she was in the last stage of cancer, she had it all over her body," said a spokeswoman for the Bourgas regional police.

"They presumed she was feeling bad and she would treat herself and rest. But nothing of the kind. She got aggressive and ... she killed her husband."

The woman, from a village in eastern Bulgaria, has been taken into custody again and is awaiting a new trial.

"She threatened that, if she is released again, she will kill her second son as well," the police spokeswoman said.

"The whole case is like something from the twilight zone."

My kind of movie. I can't wait until it hits the video store.
Artie Lange's Beer League.
Trailer with lots of vulgarity, especially language.

Cout upholds woman's right to protest topless.

To quote William Shakespeare, "Kill the lawyers!" or how your donations are NOT at work.

Some interesting brain teasers.
Question 1
A man was found murdered on Sunday morning. His wife immediately called the police. The police questioned the wife and staff and got these alibis:

The Wife said she was sleeping. The Cook was cooking breakfast. The Gardener was picking vegetables. The Maid was getting the mail. The Butler was cleaning the closet. The police instantly arrested the murderer. Who did it and how did they know?

Question 2
A man walks into his bathroom and shoots himself right between the eyes using a real gun with real bullets. He walks out alive, with no blood anywhere. And no, he didn't miss and he wasn't Superman or any other caped crusader. How did he do this?

Question 3
Old Mr. Tidy was found dead in his study by Mr. Fiend. Mr. Fiend recounted his dismal discovery to the police. "I was walking by Mr Tidy`s house when I thought I would just pop in for a visit. I noticed his study light was on and I decided to peek in from the outside to see if he was in there. There was frost on the window, so I had to wipe it away to see inside. That is when I saw his body. So I kicked in the front door to confirm my suspicions of foul play. I called the police immediately afterward." The officer immediately
arrested Mr. Fiend for the murder of Mr. Tidy. How did he know Mr. Fiend was lying?

Try to figure these questions before looking at the answers below.

A recent example of our shoddy public schools.

But will this really sell cars?

A more modest spokesperson.

And no, they [b]weren't Canadian Geese![/b]

The FBI wants your ISP to spy on you ... again.

The polar ice caps are melting ... on Mars.
For those who mistrust FOX:The polar ice caps are melting ... on Mars.

ANSWERS:

1. It was the Maid. She said she was getting the mail. There is no mail
on Sunday!

2. He shot his reflection in the bathroom mirror.

3. Frost forms on the inside of the window, not the outside. So Mr.
Fiend could not have wiped it off to discover Mr. Tidy`s body.

More weirdness in my mail. I was surprised I got any this weekend. It was windier than it's been in a long time.
Wind storm leaves hundreds of thousands without power in Canada and U.S.
In all, about 112,000 customers in the U.S., including 44,000 in Maine, and about 80,000 in Canada were without electricity Sunday.
It was so windy in my area that I saw a chicken lay the same egg three times! Ouch!

Now THAT's a grudge!
A nurse in the US killed a plastic surgery patient she had a 30-year grudge against because she stole her boyfriend when they were at school, prosecutors have said. Sandra Joyner's death after a mini-facelift had been attributed to medical error. But five years later, nurse anaesthetist Sally Hill has been charged with poisoning her with a powerful painkiller.
At least she put her away painlessly.

I don't usually share my recipes with people but since I had to write this up for a bud, you might as well have it. I haven't made it since I developed diabetes but maybe I'll do it for my party later in the week. Hmmm?! Tasty!!
[center]My Recipe for Halloween Cat Cake[/center]
[*] 1 spice or German chocolate cake mix
[*] 1 white cake mix
[*] 2 large pkg vanilla instant pudding mix, prepared)
[*] 1 large pkg vanilla sandwich cookies, like Oreos®
[*] green food coloring
[*] 12 small Tootsie Rolls®

[*] 1 new kitty litter pan
[*] 1 new plastic kitty litter pan liner
[*] 1 new pooper scooper

Prepare cake mixes and bake according to directions (any size pans).

Prepare pudding mix and chill until ready to assemble.

Crumble white sandwich cookies in small batches in food processor, scraping often. Set aside all but about 1/4 cup. To the 1/4 cup cookie crumbs, add a few drops green food coloring and mix until completely colored.

When cakes are cooled to room temperature, crumble into a large bowl. Toss with half the remaining white cookie crumbs and the chilled pudding. Important: mix in just enough of the pudding to moisten it. You don't want it too soggy. Combine gently.

Line a new, clean kitty litter box. Put the cake/pudding/cookie mixture into the litter box.

Put three unwrapped Tootsie rolls in a microwave safe dish and heat until soft and pliable. Shape ends so they are no longer blunt, curving slightly. Repeat with 3 more Tootsie rolls bury them in the mixture. Sprinkle the other half of cookie crumbs over top. Scatter the green cookie crumbs lightly on top of everything -- this is supposed to look like the chlorophyll in kitty litter.

Heat 3 Tootsie Rolls in the microwave until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake; sprinkle with cookie crumbs. Spread remaining Tootsie Rolls over the top; take one and heat until pliable, hang it over the side of the kitty litter box, sprinkling it lightly with cookie crumbs. Place the box on a newspaper and sprinkle a few of the cookie crumbs around for a truly disgusting effect!


Viking Kitties
I might have trained the white cat at my dojo? ? Warning! Auto-Repeat!!

Bono, the lead singer of the band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous and pretentious. While playing a U2 concert in Glasgow, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.

In the hushed and darkened auditorium he says into the microphone,
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A broad Scottish accent from near the front of the crowd pierces the silence... "Well, fookin' stop it then!"

Cat loves a clean bowl
I've trained cats to use the toilet but most never flushed.

Kill the Lawyers!!
I'm glad it wasn't this bad when I was dating. Phew!

And some more random oddities.


Just because you can stand, doesn't mean you should!
In September, the headmistress of the Dvergsnes primary school in Kristiansand, Norway, proposed that boys be taught to urinate while seated, in order to reduce splashing and mis-targeting, which burden the cleaning staff, but many parents and politicians reacted bitterly. Said Vidar Kleppe of the Justice and Order party, "It's a human right (for a boy) not to have to sit down like a girl," adding that the school was "fiddling with God's work." Parent Nancy Bakke was proud of her 7-year-old boy's ability to aim: "This rule goes against everything I've tried to teach my son." [Daily Telegraph (London), 10-15-06]

Zero tolerance = Zero Intelligence
Youth cheerleading coach Christine Smith was dismissed in September by the Frederick (Md.) Youth Sports Association for a sideline gesture she said was to re-energize her 7- and 8-year-old girls when their football team fell behind. Smith drew a smiley face on her stomach, which she said they found "hilarious," but allegedly three people complained of the unseemliness of Smith's lifting her shirt slightly, to draw the face. Said association president Kathy Carey, "(P)ulling your shirt up is ... not what our organization is about." [Frederick News-Post, 10-3-06]
I guess crotch shots are okay?

Train them early. Even earlier than training bras?
Australia's Herald Sun reported in September that a Target store in Melbourne was selling padded "bralettes" from the child clothing and doll manufacturer Bratz Babyz, aimed at children aged 6 to 10. [Daily Mail (London), 10-3-06] [Herald Sun (Melbourne), 9-9-06]
Are these really necessary?

A robbery of a different flavor
In August, about a dozen masked men lugged six 40-gallon trash bags full of sauce packets into the Taco Bell on South Western Avenue in Marion, Ind., leaving a note explaining that they had been accumulating them for a while and decided to give them back. They suspected they had 25,000 packets. (Taco Bell said it hands out about 6 billion a year.) [Chronicle Tribune (Grand County, Ind.), 8-10-06]
Maybe someone should tell them that many aren't being used.

If you don't love yourself, why would anyone else?
After a reporter for the Rochester (Minn.) Post-Bulletin noticed similarities in expression between mayoral candidate Pat Carr and an pseudonymous supporter who posted message after message of praise of Carr on the newspaper's web site, Carr admitted that the "supporter" was actually he, himself. Said Carr, "I stand by what I (wrote)." [Washington Post, 10-4-06] [Star Tribune (Minneapolis)-AP, 8-29-06]
I wonder if he's entitled to vote for himself twice?

Stupid is as stupid does.
A 37-year-old man was charged with burglary in Waterbury, Conn., in September after he was caught selling the victim's distinctive furnishings at a yard sale just a few doors down the street.

Christopher Bordne, 17, was arrested in September in Newton, Mass., after a police officer, waiting behind Bordne at a traffic light at 1:40 a.m. through several light changes, checked to find Bordne with his foot on the brake but otherwise sound asleep. After yelling at Bordne and rapping repeatedly on the window with his flashlight, the officer watched as Bordne woke up, drove off and crashed into a tree. [WTNH-TV (New Haven)-AP, 9-9-06] [Daily News Tribune (Newton), 9-19-06]
Something tells me alcohol was involved. Just a hunch.

I hope I get married before I die.
In a remote region of China, relatives shower graves with objects that supposedly make the deceased's afterlife more pleasant, and some families of dead bachelors even buy corpses of unmarried females and bury them with their sons in posthumous "weddings." Ironically, according to a September New York Times dispatch from Chenjiayuan, since men outnumber women in the region (in part due to abortions of girl fetuses), families of these dead women are able to command high "dowries." [New York Times, 10-5-06]
Phew! There are some advantages to poverty. What if we didn't get along?

Scientists Use Grammar Rules to Fight Bacteria
WASHINGTON (AP) -- Using grammar rules alongside test tubes, biologists may have found a promising new way to fight nasty bacteria, including drug-resistant microbes and anthrax.

Studying a potent type of bacteria-fighters found in nature, called antimicrobial peptides, biologists found that they seemed to follow rules of order and placement that are similar to simple grammar laws. Using those new grammar-like rules for how these antimicrobial peptides work, scientists created 40 new artificial bacteria-fighters.
AEIOU and sometimes W & Y. And that's just the vowels.


Welalin/Thank you, Tara.


{Kudos to "News of the Weird" for most of these.}

For some reason, most of the mail I thought was worth sharing was video and a page with lots of images. I hope those of you on dialup don't hate me. [&:]

Women! Know your limits.
Rather humorous video about the place of women in today's society. Circa 1950's or maybe not?

I whine about transportation problems!
I'm glad I carry a laptop and camera only.

I knew Coke was good for something
Meskey/I'm sorry but I'm a Pepsi fan!

Hilarious 'admission' during a prank. A gag phone call to a woman about her husband being fired goes awry for a radio program.

No grunting allowed during workouts!!
Is this PC (political correctness) to the max or what?

I can't tell if this is a DUI (driving under the influence) stop or dance recital?
Something tells me this will be dismissed. Forced to dance?

And you thought deer didn't have a fighting chance.
I think I went two rounds with that buck up in New Brunswick. At least I survived.

What I consider an appropriate Welcome Sign
It's probably fake.

Lip Balm my foot!
Women are asked to test a lip balm by kissing two handsome men. Or so they think.

I wonder how many pair of men's underwear this commercial sold?
For some reason, I never saw a label or brand. [:o]

Ever wanted to meet your equivalent of the opposite gender?
Have you ever wished for a mate that was just like you? Be careful what you wish for!

Your Squirrel Name
My indigenous name yields: Admiral Nibbles his nuts.
My white name gives me: Lord out of his tree. {Lady/Lord out of their tree}
I was just discussing squirrel names somewhere .... [8|]

I've tried this but not as successfully as this guy
Damned telemarketers!

Guy Fawkes would have been proud!
Talk about a Darwin awards candidate.

Now why isn't she in MY library?

Light show fantastic
Leonids, my second favorite besides the Perseids. I'm going to TRY to get out with my camera on manual and see what I can get. (^o^)

Astronauts want to celebrate new year's [b]on the ground.[/b]
No plans for year change in the space shuttle software? Didn't Y2K teach them anything?

Interesting new metal
A short video about a new metal process for flexible but sturdy metal.

It's probably already been posted but it's still pretty funny.
A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told The CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one oftheir most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

The most erotic email I've received in a while. Nerd paradise


I better turn on the fan. Phew!

Why I don't trust electronic voting - Part I
In 2000, Joe Lieberman's Republican challenger received 448,077 votes.

In 2006, Joe Lieberman's Democratic challenger received 448,077 votes.


Old Game Show shows Blonde is as blonde does.
Pretty funny, even with the French subtitles. Sadly, I'm ancient enough to remember the show called "The Newlyweds".

Two professors can light up at work
Makes me wish I worked NORTH of the border.

Why I don't trust electronic voting - Part II
No wonder we're all leery of these electronic voting machines. I'll take paper any day.

More government thievery.
Give the money back! Fair is fair!

Pizza's and condoms?
Well, not at the same time.

Pair accused of 'overt' plane activity
Quick. Call homeland insecurity! Never mind, call Dr. Ruth.

Remote chance to catch a thief
What's a television without its remote control? Not much, decided a thief in southwestern France who returned to the home from which he had just stolen a TV to pick up the remote control -- and was arrested.
I might have spent the ten dollars at K-Mart to buy a replacement.

Nope! No special treatment here.
A former Indian lawmaker jailed on murder charges was escorted from his cell by a handful of officers for a haircut and head massage at a beauty parlor, newspapers reported Thursday.
And they say crime doesn't pay.

Birds!! Air war between pigeons and U.S. Military
America's modern military is turning a high-tech tool on a new target -- the pigeons of Times Square -- but at least for now, it is holding fire.
Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird, it's a plane ... does anyone have a tissue?

Can't we just hex .. er .. get along?
A renowned black magic practitioner performed a voodoo ritual Thursday to jinx President George W. Bush and his entourage while he was on a brief visit to Indonesia.

Ki Gendeng Pamungkas slit the throat of a goat, a small snake and stabbed a black crow in the chest, stirred their blood with spice and broccoli before drank the "potion" and smeared some on his face.
I hope he doesn't have a baaad reaction to the goat blood.

Future Darwin Award candidate?
A botched kidnapping ended with one of the assailants shooting himself in the groin, Wichita police said. The man had just stuck the gun back into his waistband when it fired, shooting him in the left testicle.

He cringed, causing the gun to fire again and strike him in the left calf.
Does this mean he's now limp twice over?

North Korea to hold first rock concert
Any objectionable lyrics are barred so the list of entertainers so far is:
Tiajuana Brass, The Ventures, Vangelis and Tangerine Dream (all instrumentalists).
Lyrics? Lyrics? We don't need no stinkin' lyrics.

Doctor ordered to pay for unwanted baby.
A court ruling which ordered a gynecologist to pay child support for up to 18 years as compensation for botching a contraceptive implant was condemned by the German media as scandalous on Wednesday.
I'm giving up dating ANY woman of child-rearing age. Well, except for Liz.

Study finds Web isn't teeming with sex
A confidential analysis of Internet search queries and a random sample of Web pages taken from Google and Micrsoft's giant Internet indexes showed that only about 1 percent of all Web pages contain sexually explicit material.
The worst part was that most of the links were about Ted Haggard[1]
Ted Haggard was a bible-thumping minister caught using drugs and having homosexual sex.

Never bring a knife to a gun .. er .. machete fight
Video (no sound) of a robber with a machete who's surprised by a machete weilding clerk.
Too bad the clerk wasn't packing a Glock.

Pssst! The one with the cash is over there
Three would-be thieves broke into a bank in Northern Malaysia but failed to make off with any cash as they yanked out the wrong machine - a check deposit machine instead of an ATM.
I guess they didn't see the big sign that said Deposits.

Stomach pains rumble thief’s loot hideaway

Woman claims puppies were born to cat

Stupid Criminal of the Week video

Never bring a plunger to a sword fight.
Reminds me of when my brother performed a tonsilectomy on me with our sister's baton.

Weird Al's at it again
Say what you will, he's still funny.

Beauty is in the eyes of the beer-holder.
And now they have a formula to prove it.

IE7? I smell a lawsuit in the works.
I'd buy IE8.com and IE9.com if I thought Microslop would get to them during my lifetime.

Tech Support Horrors.
And you thought being asked about the "any" key was foolish!

A unique way to slow down speeders.
I swear I'm moving to Denmark! I don't care what the speed limit is, I'm doing twenty kph.
Caution! Contains partial nudity. No kittens, okay?.

Short mofo version of Pulp Fiction
All of the non-expletives are deleted. Not for those opposed to swearing.

Woman shoots husband over warm beer
He must have forgotten that it's cold beer and warm women. Rookie!

Decision's, decisions.
In Campbell County, Wyoming, a Cowboy's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, born of fury and cutting calves, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn.

She put his tally-whacker in a vise, then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw. The banged-up Cowboy was terrified and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off with that rusty damn saw are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want!"

=====

Old time drummin', eh?
Try to ignore the 'big band' and concentrate on the master, Buddy Rich.

A little different type of drumming.
Meskey/I apologize if I've posted this before.

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A little Christmas cheer.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle" he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates"

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

======

DUBLIN (Reuters) - Staff at an Irish riding school were forced to
postpone festivities after Gus the camel chomped his way through 200
mince pies and several cans of Guinness intended for their Christmas
party.

Gus, starring in the riding school's Santa's Magical Animal Kingdom show,
helped himself to the feast while staff were getting changed for the
party.

"Gus found his way out of his pen and helped himself," Robert Fagan,
owner of the Mullingar Equestrian Centre in central Ireland, told
Reuters.

The 11-year-old camel, originally from Morocco, cracked open six cans of
Ireland's famous stout with his teeth after the door to his stall was
left open.

Gus appeared well after Monday evening's feeding frenzy, Fagan said,
adding: "We were all looking forward to it, but you couldn't blame him.
He's really a very gentle, docile sort of camel."

=====

I wonder why it was cut?
Deleted scene from Scary Movie about 'protection'. Contains adult material!

=====
Real Spokesperson or not?
I want one of these for those entertainment purposes. I just hope there is an off switch.

Nice landing - without landing gear
As much as I hate flying, I might go up with that pilot.

A jet named cat
This also looks pretty nifty.

=====

A visit to the doctor

"Don't laugh!" said the patient Jn'im.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor.

"I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Ed replied.

======
Why sports figures can't have real jobs...

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
.... ........................................................

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
...........................................................

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said:

"To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
..........................................................

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
................ ............................................

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996:

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
...........................................................

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now, that is beautiful)
...........................................................

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:

"You guys line up alphabetically by height" and, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
............................................................

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King:

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
.............................................................

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
............................................................

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:

"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
...........................................................

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

(I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
............................................................

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:

"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'

He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
...........................................................

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:

"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
........................................... .................

Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

(Dead man walking?)
======

We don't need no stinkin' playstation
Web based game that reminds me of snowbunny. Safe for all ages.

What if the Hokey-Pokey IS what it's all about? Of course Brave Combo is a polka band so what would they know?

My Girl Lollipop
Just a toe-tapper from the past.

Fantastic Machine
I'm not sure of the point but it's cool. They seemed to have shortened it from the first time I visited.

Seems a better way to get out of the jungle than vines..
Finally, a good use for dogs. (^o^)

Kill the lawyers Part IV
An appeals court in Florida finally applied the brakes to the so-called "contingency fee multiplier" available under state law for lawyers who assist mistreated insurance customers. In extraordinary cases, a lawyer is permitted to recover up to 2 1/2 times the customary fee, which supposedly helps customers with smaller claims to find legal representation. However, the court said the fee is being granted too routinely, and in one October case, a client won his $1,315 claim while his lawyer got $193,750. [Tampa Tribune, 11-15-06]

Surprising Christmas Video from Al Qaeda
Aren't conversions grand? (^o^)

Chris Rock teaches us how NOT to get our asses kicked.

A bit late but Santa's Butt to return to stores
PORTLAND, Maine - It’s a bit late for the holidays, but the state’s beer sellers are now free to let Santa’s Butt Winter Porter sit on their shelves.


Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."

Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying."

Are your network users this bad?
Thank heavens for firewalls. I"m not talking software, I mean a wall of fire between me and the 'users'.

All your 404s are belong to us.
Page Not Found
Narrator: In A.D. 2006, Web was beginning.
Captain: What happen ?
Mechanic: Somebody set up us the journal.
Operator: We get signal.
Captain: What !
Operator: Main browser turn on.
Captain: It's you !!
CATS: How are you users !!
CATS: All your base are belong to Frank.
CATS: You are on the way to 404.
Captain: What you say !!
CATS: You have no chance to reach your page. Make your spelling correct.
CATS: Ha Ha Ha Ha ....
Just keep clicking refresh to see other odd 404 pages.

I don't have a clue


Rough riding for a motorcycle cop.
Talk about spinning your wheels.

Our Canadian Tax Dollars at Work? [:@]
MONTREAL (AFP) - A Montreal artist is planning to float a gigantic yellow banana in geostationary orbit above Texas next year, his website says, to stir residents' imagination and provoke comment.
I wonder if Dubya will consider it a sign from God?

Scorpions on a Plane
TORONTO, Jan 8 (Reuters Life!) - A stowaway scorpion that stung a man on board a plane headed to Toronto caused a delay at the airport as investigators combed the aircraft for further arachnids, an airline spokesman said on Monday.
First snakes and now scorpions? No wonder I hate to fly.

Humans put on display at Zoo
ADELAIDE, Australia, Jan 9 (Reuters Life!) - An Australian zoo has put a group of humans on display to raise awareness about primate conservation -- with the proviso that they don't get up to any monkey business.
Like I didn't already know they're animals.

Idiot to be stricken from New Jersey Constitution
PHILADELPHIA, Jan 8 (Reuters Life!) - New Jersey is to consider cutting the word 'idiot' from its constitution so that people with some mental disabilities won't be barred from voting.
Maybe they can substitute politician?

Missing wallet returned. After Sixty-two years.
MEXICO, Mo. - Ray Heilwagen has his wallet back, 62 years after he lost it in France during World War II. Late last year, Heilwagen received a call from Stephen Breitenstein of Palatine, Ill.
But I guess the money was gone.

Teen looking for a kiss rams the wrong car.
BAY CITY, Mich. - A lovers' quarrel and a case of mistaken identity has landed a teenager behind bars after police say he repeatedly rammed a teenage girl's car, thinking it was his girlfriend.
Always look before you kiss.

Plutoed named 2006 word of the year.
PLUTOED - a word inspired by the downgrading of the former planet - has been voted the 2006 word of the year. The American Dialect Society said the expression, defined as "to demote or devalue someone or something", reflected public reaction to Pluto's fate.
It's now universally accepted?

World's smallest country for sale.
LONDON, Jan 8 (Reuters Life!) - For sale: the world's smallest country with its own flag, stamps, currency and passports.
I wonder how much they want?

I saw this on the way to work and I wanted to say it's ALL LIES!


Make your own warning sign.
But I've got the drunk driving one, 'nkay?

New Rules For 2007:

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason I don't talk to people for 25 years. Because I don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.


New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?


New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.


New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.


New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.


New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis


New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *****. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *****.


New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.


New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Japanese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "teriyaki chicken". The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.


New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."


New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.


New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.


New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.


New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.


New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.


New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"

Some wisdom from Andy Rooney (curmudgeonly commentator on CBS' 60 Minutes news show).

Andy Rooney on Monica:

Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and knees.

Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:

Vegetarian — that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter."

Andy Rooney on Prisoners:

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Gee, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners:

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Andy Rooney on Morning Differences:

Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Andy Rooney on Phone-in-Polls:

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote . . . They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95. (into phone) "I'm not in the mood."

Andy Rooney on Cripes:

My wife's from the midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes' — 'For Cripes sake.' Who would that be; Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

Andy Rooney on Grandma:

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

Andy Rooney on Answering Machines:

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi! It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.'" Beep. "Uh, yeah . . . this is the VD clinic calling . . . Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."


Reuter's News
Man tries to electrocute moles. Electrocutes himself.

A chemical I used to tinker with in school
Stinkbombs? I'm taking the whole lab with me.
(I was allowed to use it in an experiment and was amazed at how powerful it was.)

That's one way to get a salmon
Bet he would NEVER have beaten a Maine Black Bear!

My kind of news
When will they learn the difference between OFF and ON?

Amsterdam Statue to Revere Prostitutes
Finally, the recognition they so rightly deserve.

First Canadian Weatherman Passes Torch
I remember seeing him in my youthful trips across the border. Very funny and also correct more often than not.


From News of the Weird:
Eventually, robots will have to be given legal rights (and accept certain responsibilities) if advances in artificial intelligence (AI) continue to create sensitive quasi-organisms, according to a paper solicited for Sir David King, the UK's chief scientist. According to one AI researcher, "If (robots are) granted full rights, states will be obligated to provide full social benefits to them including income support, housing and possibly robo-healthcare to fix the machines over time." A December Financial Times report on the paper noted that robots might also have to pay taxes and be available for military service. (Some of the ideas in the paper track visions described years ago by writer Isaac Asimov.) [Financial Times, 12-19-06]

Many voters, and critics in both parties, chided the "do-nothing" 109th Congress (2005-2006) as a body tied up in partisanship and divisiveness. However, the Congress did manage to pass 383 pieces of legislation, except that almost 100 of those laws were merely authorizations to name post offices and other federal structures after famous Americans (such as Ray Charles, Ava Gardner and Karl Malden). [CNN, 12-13-06]

Oops: John Beacham of the Anti-War Coalition in Chicago said he has suspected for a while that police had been spying on his organization, but he was obviously proved wrong when the coalition canceled, well in advance, a planned Oct. 28 demonstration downtown. Unaware of the cancellation, hundreds of police officers lined the streets around the protest area, hoping to prevent the recurrence of a wild demonstration in 2003. Deputy police superintendent Charles Williams blamed the coalition for not keeping the department informed. [WLS-TV (Chicago), 10-28-06]

Rules! (1) Sixty years after Indiana abolished gambling and wrecked the economy of the resort town of French Lick, the state brought it back, allowing casinos, but they had to be located on water and not the state's dry land. Developers of the French Lick Springs Resort thus spent $382 million on a plush "riverboat" casino on a manmade lake barely larger than the boat, and it opened in November. (2) Derek Ogley, 70, had just been discharged from Tameside General Hospital in Ashton, England, in November, but doubled over in pain in the waiting room (eventually diagnosed with pancreatitis). Nurses informed Ogley's family they would have to call 999 (the UK's 911) or drive him around to the emergency entrance about three minutes away, because, since he had been discharged, rules prevented them from treating him. [New York Times, 10-26-06] [The Mirror (London), 12-1-06]

In Monkwearmouth, England, a 22-year-old Iraq-war veteran told buddies he was bored and, imitating a prank from a "*****" movie, inserted a firework "up his backside," according to a Daily Mail story, and lit it. When it exploded, he was taken to Sunderland Royal Hospital with a scorched colon and other serious injuries. [Contra Costa Times, 11-3-06] [Daily Mail (London), 11-9-06]

Cell phones should be outlawed! They kill so many people these days.
An unnamed, "well-known Adelaide (Australia) model" was seen screaming, "Where's my baby? Someone's stolen my baby" shortly after she paused while jogging and pushing the 5-month-old's buggy along the city's River Torrens in December. According to a report in Melbourne's The Age newspaper, the woman had stopped to answer a cell-phone call, and when she finally turned back around, the buggy was gone. Unfortunately, it had rolled into the river during the phone call, and the incident ended badly. [The Age (Melbourne), 12-15-06]

A picture says a thousand words. Except if it's a picture of words, quite a few less.

My new evening prayer. Meskey/I'm sorry if it offends anyone. If so, go have a beer or two.

Homeland Insecurity and you!
LAKEWOOD, Wash. - A 9-year-old boy who didn't like his suburban Tacoma home grabbed a car, got caught, was returned home to his mother, then ran away again and flew to San Antonio with a plane change in Phoenix before he was arrested, authorities said.
Bang up job by the Gestapo, eh?

The Rail Gun is reality.
The mere mention of the word brings back visions of the original first-person-shooters to grace our now-antiquated machines, and now the US Navy is getting real personal with a realized version of the pixelated railgun we all love and adore. Presumably ripped straight from the (admittedly lacking) storyline of Quake, an 8-Megajoule railgun has been officially created, fired, and deemed worthy of flanking our naval ships, which should strike fear in the hearts of anyone wishing us harm.
And you thought [b][color=red]Eraser was fiction?[/color][/b]

Driving in winter
Some vehicles pretending to be hockey goons!

Human slingshot.
It looks like fun.

That's one tough rabbit!
A rabbit attacks a snake. And I thought rabbits were pacifists?

Extreme Japanese obstacle course.
That also looks like fun although I'd be reaching for the meds after.

Is this for real?
Magician and assistants pull a woman in half. (I know how the trick was accomplished but am sworn to secrecy.)

Time waster?
Something to do while waiting for the next tech support call?

[center]Weekly News of the Weird Selections[/center]
Floyd Kinney Jr., 49, pleading guilty in Northampton County, Pa., in December to indecent assault on two young girls, blamed the incidents on his wife's obsessive bingo habit, which he said took her out of the house "three, four times a week." (Said the judge, "Some people, when their wives aren't home, decide to clean the living room.")

Kevin Sutherland, 45, arrested in Salt Lake City in December for downloading child porn on his office computer, told investigators that he personally would "never" access child porn but that he has been diagnosed with multiple personalities, one of which is a 16-year-old boy ("Casey") who likes to look at pictures of girls his own age. [Allentown Morning Call, 12-2-06] [Deseret News, 12-15-06]

Parents of some Castro Valley (Calif.) High School girls, led by aggressive county judge Larry Goodman, have waged a campaign to oust the school's girls' basketball coach, Nancy Nibarger, claiming that she insufficiently valued their daughters' skills in team tryouts. In October, school officials, in a compromise, created a committee to pick the team, but that committee, too, found the complaining girls not worthy enough. (Several of the parents, undaunted, vowed to continue seeking Nibarger's dismissal.) [San Francisco Chronicle, 11-30-06]

Doug Milliken was elected treasurer of Colorado's Arapahoe County in November on a promise to help families protect their property from foreclosure (Colorado had the country's highest foreclosure rate for most of last year). However, on Nov. 6, Milliken, himself, was served foreclosure papers that cited debt of $253,624 on his home. [Rocky Mountain News, 11-21-06]

California's Golden State Fence Co., which has a contract to build part of the United States' immigrant-impeding barrier on the Mexican border, agreed in December to pay fines totaling nearly $5 million because it had been employing illegal aliens. [National Public Radio, 12-15-06]

Burglar Sheldon Reece, 32, was shot in the abdomen by homeowner Abel Sisneros in Fort Worth, Texas, in December. According to a report in the Fort Worth Star-Telegram, to enter the house, Reece had to boldly disregard two signs outside: "Warning. Nothing inside is worth risking your life for. Owners of this property are highly skilled to protect life, liberty and property from criminal attacks" and "No trespassing. Violators will be shot. Survivors will be shot again." [Fort Worth Star-Telegram, 12-21-06]

[center]Important announcement from Apple Computers[/center]
Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.

The i-Boob is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Beer for Dogs (and Humans).
Thankfully we cats are not so vulgar as to drink beer. Eeyew! Now please pass the pipe.

An old snake goes to see his doctor.

He says, "Doctor, I need something for my eyes. I can't see well these days". The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks, and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

The doctor says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

Monster grabs boob during hug
On the telly, no less.

Now that's some hail
We had a storm like this when I moved to the mountains and it destroyed the rental truck.

If 'she' knows offsides, is she really a she?.
I thought it was about hockey. [:@]

Angry surgeon removes manhood
Thankfully, I've been neutered so I won't have to worry about meeting this butcher!

Land of Paranoia
Now I know why they confiscate my Canadian coins when I cross the border.

It includes WHAT in the ingredients?
We know dogs wouldn't mind eating it

[center]What is a Cat?[/center]
[*]Cats do what they want.
[*]They rarely listen to you.
[*]They're totally unpredictable.
[*]When you want to play, they want to be alone.
[*]When you want to be alone, they want to play.
[*]They expect you to cater to their every whim.
[*]They're moody.
[*]They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

[center]What is a Dog?[/center]
[*] Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
[*]They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
[*]They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
[*]They growl when they are not happy.
[*]When you want to play, they want to play.
[*]When you want to be alone, they want to play.
[*]They leave their toys everywhere.
[*]They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
[*]They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats

More stupid lawyer tricks
Suing a transient for $ 1,000,000? And the lawyers cut will be?

AOL at it again
I've had an acronym for AOL since my BBS was on line. But I won't repeat it here

Cree lass sings national anthem at Calgary Flames game in Mikmawey!
CALGARY (CBC) - A 13-year-old Alberta girl made history at centre ice in Calgary's Saddledome on Saturday night when she became the first person to sing O Canada in Cree at an NHL game.

Akina Shirt, who lives in Edmonton but is originally from the Saddle Lake First Nation about 120 kilometres east of Edmonton, sang the national anthem before the Calgary Flames took on the Vancouver Canucks. Shirt said she learned the Cree version of the anthem a year ago.
Okay, not mikmawey. But both are languages in the Algonquin family tree.

Grenada military band plays wrong anthem.
ST. GEORGE'S, Grenada (AP) - A diplomatic gaffe marred Saturday's inauguration of a Chinese-financed stadium in Grenada when a band performed the national anthem of Chinese rival Taiwan.
Ah the joys of frequently changing allies.
Grenada recently changed from alliance to Taiwan to the Peoples' Republic of China.

Chewbacca Head Butts tour guide
LOS ANGELES, Feb 3 (Reuters Life!) - A Chewbacca impersonator was arrested after being accused of head-butting a Hollywood tour guide who warned the furry brown Wookiee about harassing two Japanese tourists, police said on Saturday.

"Nobody tells this Wookiee what to do," "Chewie" from the "Star Wars" movies said before slamming his head into the guide's forehead, the Los Angeles Times newspaper reported.
And who said all of us furry creatures were friendly?

Gym strips off for training in the buff
AMSTERDAM, Feb 2 (Reuters Life!) - For those who want to be really buff, a Dutch gym is introducing training sessions for nudists.

The Sunday morning sessions were added by popular demand and "anyone who shows up just to ogle will be thrown out," said gym manager Patrick de Man in the town of Heteren.
That's my kind of workout.

S, Korean auto worker's wallet turns up. In New York state.
NEW YORK (AFP) - A South Korean auto worker who misplaced his wallet last year while at work has been reunited with the billfold after it turned up at a car dealership in New York state, according to a local report.

Factory inspector J.W. Joh was checking the wiring on a vehicle at the Seoul assembly plant of General Motors and Daewoo several months ago when the wallet apparently fell under the back seat of the car, the Buffalo News reported.
I'm thrilled that the money and cards were still there!

Australian nudists told to slap on the sunscreen
SYDNEY (AFP) - Nudists competing in an annual sporting competition in southern Australia were warned to at least wear one thing -- sunscreen -- to counter the ill effects of sun exposure.

With the temperature in Adelaide heading towards 40 degrees Celsius (104 Fahrenheit), the 1,000 expected competitors at the Nude Olympics were warned that their birthday suits might not be enough to prevent sunburn.
But I [b]like red skinned women.[/b]

Philadelphia could get rubber sidewalks
PHILADELPHIA - A Philadelphia official wants the city council to look at whether the city's sidewalks should be made of rubber.

City councilman Jim Kenney recently toured Chicago to see environmentally-friendly city projects there. He came back with a number of ideas on which he plans to hold hearings


NFL Bars church from showing Super Bowl.
INDIANAPOLIS (AP) -- The NFL has nixed a church's plans to use a wall projector to show the Colts-Bears Super Bowl game, saying it would violate copyright laws.
Kill the lawyers!

Seven minutes of mud and fun!
Reminds me of the old days when I had a land cruiser.

From an exchange with one of my nerd friends (whose permission to publish this has already been obtained. In triplicate. (^o^)

One of us: Did you see where New York has outlawed trans fats? Weird.
The other of us: Yes, now when I go to buy a bag, I expect the dealer to ask me if I want fries with that.

I mean really. If our elected parasites weren't usually wasting our tax dollars, they might serve some entertainment role.

Some Nifty Signs
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************

On another Septic Tank Truck:
"We're #1 in the #2 business"
**************************

At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************

On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:!
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************

At an Optometrist's Office :
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.
**************************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**************************

[center]News of the Weird updates[/center]

In findings that could surely be matched in the United States, the Canadian Centre for Policy Alternatives reported in January that the country's 100 highest-paid business executives had, by 9:46 a.m. on Jan. 2, earned an amount equal to what the average Canadian would earn in all of 2007. And The New York Times reported in December that Wall Street bonuses for 2006 were so large that one real estate broker complained at New York City's shortage of $20 million properties and a Greenwich, Conn., Ferrari dealer complained that Ferrari hadn't manufactured enough 599 GTB Fioranos (price: about $250,000) to fill his customers' orders. [Standard-Freeholder (Cornwall, Ontario), 1-2-07] [New York Times, 12-25-06]

Don Karkos heroically regained sight in his right eye in November after 65 years. A 1941 Navy submarine explosion had knocked him out, and doctors had told him many times that he would never see with that eye again, but Karkos, 82 (a retired horse farmer who works as a security guard at New York's Monticello Raceway), was butted in the head by a horse in November and awoke the next day with sight regained. He told the Times Herald-Record of Middletown, N.Y., in December that the blow he took from My Buddy Chimo was even harder than the one from the concussion. [Times Herald-Record, 12-13-06]
If the horse heads for the mosh pit, I'm history!

Jeremy Lyons, 20, was arrested in Hanover Township, Pa., in October for an alleged vandalism spree, bashing car windows with a baseball bat. A local TV station had carried a story of the arrest of another person, and Lyons for some reason called the station and, laughing, told them they had the wrong man. He was arrested when the call was traced. [WNEP-TV (Moosic, Pa.), 10-24-06]

A man owned a small ranch in New Mexico. An agent of the New Mexico
Wage & Hour Board dropped by, on a routine check to see if he was paying
proper wages to his help.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," said the agent.

"Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me
for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board.

"Then there's the cook. She's been here for 18 months, and I pay her
$500 per week plus free room and board.

"Finally there's a half-wit who works 18 hours every day and does about
90% of all the work around here. He makes about $30 a week, pays his own
room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."

"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me." replied the rancher.


F.B.I. has no clue where it's missing laptops are.
Our misspent tax dollars.
And these are the guys solving crimes?

Because We're the Government and You're NOT!
Rather humorous video with instructions from Big Brother.


Floutist keeps his own beat.
Is that SuperMario music?

My house is drunk
Humorous video about the effects of alcohol on a house. (^o^) not really.
No wonder I gave up drinking.

An oldie but goody.
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in
reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra? asked the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra." It's
when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired
as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and
begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect
was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye,
and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he
sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and
took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a
nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?"

"'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here,
I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

All your surgeons are belong to us

A Cure for Brittney?
All she needs is a little time off and a couple of hip checks.

Donors hate an empty box
Interesting set of pointers for those who might be collecting for something.

New Island Paradise for women only

Would be hero finds no damsel to save, only porno video.
I'm grateful I wear a headset.

Sex/Internet addict sues IBM for being fired
Is this pathetic or what? As Shakespeare said, "Kill the lawyers".

Cross-dressing lawyer suspended. But not for his attire.

My brother sent along his new retirement plan. He wasn't too sure what direction to go, since he did a little research on other ideas. For instance...

If he had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, he would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, he would have had less than $5.00 left.

With Lucent, he would have $3.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

But, with the purchase of $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, and then he drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling, he would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, he decided the best investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

God Hates a fag.
Truly offensive 'christian' song by a former gay.
And people wonder why my god hates intolerance. Plus, the song bites.

Star Wars Gangsta Rao
Vulgar, sexist, racist and stupid. Should be a hit.

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?" [:'(]

=====

Subject: New Element Discovered

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Bushcronium." Each nucleus of Bushcronium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311. These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
The symbol for Bushcronium is "W". Bushcronium's mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons in a Bushcronium molecule, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Bushcronium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass".
When catalyzed with money, Bushcronium activates Foxnewsium, an element that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
The entry for clintonium has been limited to adults only.

Restaurant Creates 123 pound cheeseburger.
The newest addition to the menu at Denny's Beer Barrel Pub is one whopper of a burger. The Beer Barrel Main Event Charity Burger weighs in at 123 pounds, a meaty monstrosity that its cooks maintain shatters the world record of 105 pounds shared by two restaurants in New Jersey and Thailand.
I can feel my arteries hardening just reading about it.

Passerby spots suitcase and bag containing marijuana on Quebec beach
The beach? In winter? I think someone dipped into the stash.

Tourists indulge in aphrodisiac at Chile song fest
They NEVER include an email or snail mail address.

Stand-in mistress sought to take wife's abuse
BEIJING (Reuters) - A Chinese businessman has advertised on the Internet for a stand-in mistress to be beaten up by his wife to vent her anger and to protect his real mistress, Chinese media reported on Monday.
Only ten candidates? I guess there aren't many masochists in Beijing.

Janitor spends weekend in courthouse
POUGHKEEPSIE, N.Y. - Think you had a boring weekend? Talk to Harold Jones. The 32-year-old janitor spent two and a half days without food, water or access to a bathroom after he was accidentally locked in a secure room at an upstate courthouse.


Trio of alleged burglars ring doorbell
BRANDON, Fla. - So much for stealth. Authorities said a trio trying to open a locked door alerted a sleeping homeowner when one of them rang the doorbell. Homeowner Samuel Sanchez, 35, confronted the burglars about 11:30 a.m. Monday, one of whom was still trying to open the door with a pocket knife, Hillsborough County sheriff's deputies said. The men ran, according to the St. Petersburg Times.


Divers compete in ice hockey world championship... underwater
VIENNA (AFP) - The lake of Weissensee in southern Austria hosted an unusual sporting event this weekend, with divers taking part in the first-ever ice-hockey world championship -- underwater ice-hockey, that is.


President Yahya Jammeh of Gambia (Africa's smallest country) has long believed he had mystic powers, but he said a vision received on Jan. 18 makes it possible for him to personally cure AIDS and asthma, though only on certain days and for a limited number of people. The vision gave him recipes based on seven herbs mentioned in the Quran but authorized him to treat no more than 10 AIDS sufferers, on Thursdays and Mondays, and not more than 100 asthma patients, on Fridays and Saturdays. (Not surprisingly, the government self-reports success.) Jammeh's previous visions included making Gambia rich by exporting oil, but so far no deposits have been found. [The Independent (London), 2-3-07]

Questionable Judgments: During an eight-day period around New Year's in the Chicago area, thieves stole tractor-trailers filled with, respectively, broccoli and asparagus. [Boston Globe-AP, 12-28-06] [Chicago Tribune, 1-3-07]

County jail inmate Brian Bruggeman, 38, was arrested in North Platte, Neb., in December and charged with felony assault after allegedly passing gas repeatedly in front of his cellmate (leading to a fight). The "victim," inmate Jesse Dorris, said he had made numerous attempts to stay away from Bruggeman but that Bruggeman purposely sought him out in a dinner line and let him have it once more. [North Platte Bulletin, 12-18-06]

Police in Lilburn, Ga., were called to the cemetery adjacent to Luxomni Baptist Church at 2:40 a.m. one morning in January to investigate reports of a man screaming for about two hours. They found Ezekiel Dejesus-Rodriguez, 24, pinned under a gravestone (with a bloody, broken leg) and said he had apparently been knocking over headstones for fun until one fell on him. [Gwinnett Daily Post, 1-24-07]

Patrick Burr, 36, and his wife Heather, 33, were arrested in Provo, Utah, in December and charged with conspiracy to rob the Utah Community Credit Union, after an ex-partner turned them in. The informant said the Burrs had planned to make their getaway by floating on inner tubes down the Provo River, but that plan collapsed after their car (containing the inner tubes) was impounded. [Salt Lake Tribune, 12-6-06]

In December in Jerusalem, Israel's Green Leaf Party organized the first joint Israeli-Arab conference promoting the legalization of marijuana, which a party spokesman said would create a "common (cultural) identity" that could lead to peace. [YNet.com, 12-31-06]

Repentant thieves break into W. Virigina Church again to return stolen equipment

Parents beat up principal over grades

Teens accused of making ostrich impotent.

Elderly woman unscathed after being run over by train

Alaskan moose brings down helicopter

Man wanted for trying to revive father's corpse

Milosevic grave attacked to expel evil spirits

Taiwanese set off 8.1 mile firecracker

Lonely Man takes donkey to hotel room

====

Some non-inspirational messages to post on the wall.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time, so you don't have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment

======

Illinois revoked the funeral director's license of Roy M. Williams, who
committed various money and death-certificate handling indiscretions but
who most notably once wore a dead man's hat to the guy's funeral.

[center]Excerpts from the News of the Weird[/center]
About half the students who attend the Jewish primary school King David, in Birmingham, England, are Muslims, and in fact, their parents work hard to get them in because they so respect the school's ethos and its halal-like diet. All students learn Hebrew, recite Jewish prayers, and celebrate Israeli independence, but there is a Muslim prayer room, also, and Muslim teachers are hired for Ramadan. However, confided one parent, the school tries to keep a low profile so as not to inflame the religious rabble-rousers. [The Independent, 2-4-07]

In February, two anti-whaling activists (one from Australia, one from Los Angeles), intending to attack a Japanese whaling ship near Antarctica with a bottle of acid and a smoke bomb, got lost in the fog in their small dinghy and were rescued with the help of several boats, including the whaler. However, as soon as the activists were safe, one thanked the Japanese crew but said, "I guess we're back on schedule, and we'll be pursuing you again." Shortly after that, the activists approached the whaler and tossed the acid onto the deck, injuring two crew members. [Philadelphia Inquirer-AP, 2-11-07]

Joshlynn Leigh, 30, was arrested in December at a Pennsylvania state police barracks as she arrived for fingerprinting in preparation for being hired by the agency. Leigh was discovered to have driven to the barracks in a stolen car (the same one that was the subject of a warrant against her in Georgia for auto theft). [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 12-27-06]

Not All the Weird News Is Bad

Ms. Pan Alying, a schoolteacher in China's Shandong province, had her purse snatched in January (containing her mobile phone, bank cards and cash) and decided to try pleading with the thief by sending text messages to her stolen phone. According to Xinhua news agency, she patiently sent 21 sympathetic notes to the man, with no answer, but the day after the last one, she found a package at her door containing her purse and all its contents intact, with a note, "I'm sorry. ... I'll correct my ways and be an upright person." [Reuters, 1-22-07]

Israel recalls ambassador found naked, drunk
JERUSALEM - Israel has recalled its ambassador to El Salvador after he was found naked, bound and drunk, according to Israeli media reports confirmed Monday by a government spokeswoman.

The longtime diplomat, Tsuriel Raphael, has been removed from his post and the Foreign Ministry has begun searching for a replacement, said ministry spokeswoman Zehavit Ben-Hillel.
I can't understand why anyone would allow themselves to be bound. I mean it's not like Lucy Liu works in El Salvador. [:o]

Soccer fan punishes child’s foul with karate
BERLIN - A 42-year-old German man was so enraged by a foul during a boys’ soccer match that he invaded the pitch and felled the 8-year-old culprit with a karate kick, then jumped on him, police said on Wednesday.
'Whoever said, "It's Just a Game" [color=navy]MUST have been a spectator' - Snoopy / 1981.[/color]

Man calls cops during break-in
STEVENS POINT, Wis. - If only all criminals were this helpful.

A 24-year-old man called police to tell them he was trying to break into a church, but he was not having much luck.
I just hope the police stop laughing long enough to catch a serious criminal.

Your unholy tax dollars at work.
America is braced for a nationwide treasure hunt as the Philadelphia mint confirmed it had made a mistake when minting some of a new batch of dollar coins.

The coins were supposed to have the traditional "E Pluribus Unum" inscription, along with "In God We Trust" around the edges. But due to an unholy error, both inscriptions were left off. The mint was not able to say how many of the 300 million coins the error had affected, but issued a statement saying that it was taking the necessary steps to correct the defect.
I heard that Pat Robertson has already asked God to destroy the mint and all the evil homosexuals and democrats working there.

Sat-Nav Driver Loses Track
A female motorist has escaped prosecution after driving up a railway line when her in-car satellite navigation system malfunctioned.
Nsim {niece} and I have five dollars on whether or not she was blonde.

President {Bill} Gates?
A soon to be abandoned web site touting the possibility of the world's richest (and arguably most hated) man in a bid to lead our nation. 'Nuff said.


[center]Humor interlude[/center]
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Marie, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the bonnet of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Marie.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Marie.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Marie.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the hell off the car!"

Mouth music?
Weird but I had to replay it a couple times. Pardonnez moi! Je ne parles pas en Francais.

Typical Craigslist Member?
Why does [color=navy]desperate and ineligible for welfare scream out at me?[/color]

Film Questions Michael Moore's Tactics
AUSTIN, Texas (AP) -- As documentary filmmakers, Debbie Melnyk and Rick Caine looked up to Michael Moore.

Then they tried to do a documentary of their own about him - and ran into the same sort of resistance Moore himself famously faces in his own films.
Why does anyone think he's different than any other parasite?

Missouri man gets rabbit and bobcat as passengers in his golf cart
CAPE GIRARDEAU, Mo. (AP) - It's best not to get between a predator and its prey - especially when they're in the passenger seat of your golf cart.

Water plant worker Mitch Walter would offer that bit of advice and bears the scratches of one who speaks from experience.
And people laugh when I discuss my attack cat dojo. Tsk, tsk.

Man accused of cutting off electronic monitoring bracelet to be on TV show
RACINE, Wis. (AP) - A judge imposed $50,000 cash bond Friday for a man accused of cutting off his electronic monitoring bracelet to ride by limousine to Chicago and be on "The Jerry Springer Show." Defense lawyer Margaret Johnson argued against the high bond, noting that Mario Sims, 21, of Racine, is already being held on $20,000 cash bond on a bail jumping charge.
I thought Jerry had left television to return to politics? I guess they just don't carry him in my area anymore.

Chris Simon's career may be over.
NEW YORK (AP) -- Chris Simon's season is over. His future in the NHL might not be much brighter.

The league took its own hard swing at the rugged New York Islanders forward Sunday, sentencing him to a record, 25-game suspension.

Simon, 35, will miss the rest of the regular season and playoffs as punishment for his deliberate two-handed stick attack to the face of Ryan Hollweg of the New York Rangers in a 2-1 loss Thursday night. He must sit out the Islanders' final 14 regular-season contests and the entire postseason, if the club gets that far.
Pretty sad and a black eye.

Politician seeks votes in Klingon
HELSINKI (Reuters) - A Finnish member of parliament is aiming for re-election by campaigning with a translation of his Web site into Klingon, used in the TV series "Star Trek."

"Some have thought it is blasphemy to mix politics and Klingon," said Jyrki Kasvi, an ardent Trekkie. "Others say it is good if politicians can laugh at themselves."
I just wish one day, a 'journalist' would be able to distinguish between a trekkie and a trekker. disgust

Naked intruder found asleep on couch
COSTA MESA, Calif. - A Laguna Niguel man allegedly broke into a woman's home and fell asleep on her couch naked, according to police. The woman called authorities early Saturday morning after waking up to find Michael Bonnie, 36, on her couch covered by a blanket, Costa Mesa Police Sgt. Matt Grimmold said. The two did not appear to know each other, Grimmold said.

Police arrested Bonnie on suspicion of residential burglary and indecent exposure. He is being held on $250,000 bail.
One of my fantasies has always been waking to find a Norse blue-eyed blonde on my sofa. In over fifty suns, it's happened twice. Sven and Olav.

Woman mistakenly calls cop for drug buy
COLBERT, Okla. - A woman looking for a cocaine dealer called a number on her son's cell phone only to discover later that she had phoned a police officer, authorities said. Ramona Williams, 42, was arrested on a drug complaint, Durant police Lt. Mike Woodruff said. Prosecutors were preparing charges Monday of possession of drugs with intent to distribute, he said.

Woodruff's number was on her son's cell phone because he had been arrested previously on drug charges.
Of course it's not the gestapos' job to help people, just throw them in jail.

Eight-year-old twins find costly raw diamond in US state park
MIAMI (AFP) - A couple of eight-year-old twin boys have found a 2.50 carat raw diamond that could be worth thousands of dollars, according to the director of a state park in the southern US state of Arkansas.

"They thought it was a piece of mica. When they learned it was a diamond, there were many 'woo hoos' and high-fives exchanged," said Rachel Engrecht of the Crater of Diamonds State park.
I think it was Yakoff Smirnoff who said, 'America. What a country!'

Will Mills' leg fall off on dance show? Place your bets
LOS ANGELES (AFP) - An online gambling site is inviting macabre bets on whether Heather Mills' prosthetic leg will fall off during her participation in US television show "Dancing with the Stars."

The Antigua-based Bodog.com is inviting punters to lay money on whether Mills, the estranged wife of Beatle Sir Paul McCartney who lost her leg in a 1993 traffic accident, would suffer a mishap in the show.
Smart cats are happy with comfortable and cared for. (^o^)

Car seat is a wake-up call to dozing drivers
It could prevent the Big Sleep:
Japanese scientists are working on a car seat which can detect when a driver is about to fall asleep at the wheel.

The team say they have pinpointed a series of signals from a person's body which indicate they are about 10 minutes from dropping off.
I already have that program in my headset. If it senses I'm about to fall asleep, it says, "Wake Up, Moron! Get the %$@$ off the road [color=navy]and the internet." "Now!"[/color]

Pupils' green protest stops balloon race fundraiser

SCHOOLCHILDREN staged a revolt after the teachers and parents planned a balloon race to help raise funds for playground equipment.

The young eco-warriors dug their heels in and said they would not take part because of the damage balloons can do to marine life.
How very sad. [:(]

Man flies first class seated next to corpse
LONDON - A passenger in first class woke up to a shock when he found himself sitting near a corpse on a British Airways flight, British newspapers reported on Monday.

Paul Trinder, 54, said cabin crew moved the body of the elderly woman from the economy section where she had died after take-off, the Mirror and Sun tabloids said.

Take this job and .....
This ex-employee certainly knew how to leave.

Now these are some speakers!
A bit out of my price range.

Man passes out nude from crack cocaine and is attacked by an alligator.
After Adrian Apgar smoked crack cocaine and passed out nude on the shore of a lake, that's when the alligator attacked him, central Florida police say. With Apgar still in the hospital from the attack earlier in the week, the 911 call and police rescue that saved him hit the Orlando Sentinel's homepage this morning.

Judge Judy loses it.
Finally, an EBay scammer gets the what for from Judge Judy.

A new benefit for being old.
BERLIN (Reuters) - A brothel in Germany hopes to capitalize on the growing number of retirees by offering them a 50 percent discount for sex in the afternoon.

The "Pascha" in the western city of Cologne has introduced reduced rates for sex sessions for clients aged 66 and above -- provided they can prove they are old enough.

Don't forget to leave the PlayStation running. Please
Bruce Borden is debating whether to buy a Sony PlayStation 3 even though he has no interest in playing games. For him, it's about helping Stanford University conduct Alzheimer's research after his mother died of the disease.

Already, he has five computers continuously crunching numbers in his Orange County home in Tustin as part of a "supercomputer" collection of 200,000 PCs that span the globe from Africa to Australia.

[center]Humor interlude[/center]
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?", she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

=-=

A recent survey revealed that the average American walks 900 miles per year.
Another survey revealed that the average American consumes 20 gallons of beer per year.
The conclusion that one can derive from these surveys: The average American gets 45 miles per gallon. Is it 16:20 yet?

=-=

Leprechaun Tickets Speeding Drivers - video.

A different kind of hidden treasure.
After finally winning the lottery, you buy a nice plot of land in Portugal. It's been empty for nearly two decades.

Looking around, you find an old barn hidden away and the door has a rusted lock with no key. That doesn't stop you and your reward is obvious.

Airline apologizes to passenger who had to urinate in sick bag during flight
SALT LAKE CITY (AP) - SkyWest Airlines apologized to a passenger who said he wasn't allowed to use the restroom during a one-hour flight and ended up urinating in an air-sickness bag.

James Whipple said he had two "really big beers" at the Boise, Idaho airport. While on a flight to Salt Lake City on March 7 he wanted to use the cabin restroom.

Cop's Internet breasts prompt investigation
SYDNEY (Reuters) - A photograph of a young Australian policewoman's breasts, sent to her boyfriend as a get well message on her mobile phone, has sparked an investigation after it was circulated on internal police e-mail.

The Victoria state police constable was in her police uniform with her name badge visible, her shirt undone and her breasts exposed when she was photographed, Australian Associated Press (AAP) reported Monday.

"Dead" man returns home after two years
KUALA LUMPUR (Reuters) - A man mistakenly certified as dead following a horrific motorcycle accident two years ago was reunited with his family last week after a social worker helped to identify him through thumbprints.

S Samy Pillai, 50, was believed to have been killed in a hit-and-run accident in June 2005, after his wrecked motorcycle was found along the same stretch of road as a body mangled beyond recognition, the Star newspaper said.

Kill the lawyers again.
FLUSHING, Mich. - A nasty bite on the hand that a man got from his sister's Siamese cat is worth $122,400.

A jury on Friday awarded Michael Sabo, 57, the money for an injury he got when the cat, Randy, bit his right hand in March 2004.

Washing machine 'twists and turns' for faster cleaning
TOKYO (AFP) - For Japanese people who want their lives to be even faster, a company on Monday unveiled a washing machine billed to be the quickest in the world.

Mitsubishi Electric said it has made the first machine that changes angles automatically depending on the volume of clothes and function.

China bans firm from selling land on the moon
BEIJING (AFP) - A Chinese company has been banned from selling plots of land on the moon, state media reported on Saturday.

The company, Lunar Embassy to China, had sold a total of 49 acres (20 hectares) to 34 customers before authorities acted, Xinhua news agency said.

Search for naked joyride pensioner
DETECTIVES are hunting a naked pensioner who was spotted joyriding around a bowling green on a Shopmobility scooter.

A passerby was stunned to see the man - thought to be aged in his seventies - on the vehicle, which has a top speed of 3mph.

The witness contacted police over concerns that the pensioner would be seen by children at a neighbouring play park at South Inch, in Perth.

A spokesman for Tayside Police said:

"When the complainer called the police [the pensioner] put his clothes on and drove off.

"The area was searched but there was no trace of the male involved."

Knicker nicker nicked at last
TOKYO police found more than 4,000 pieces of lingerie in the home of a Japanese construction worker who used climbing skills honed in his job to steal women's underwear. Police believe Shigeo Kodama, 54, took the 3,977 panties and 355 bras over six years.

This arrived but will NEVER be good enough for my commercials post. I mean the special effects must have cost a couple hundred pennies.

Sleepy Drivers

I wonder if Nigeria is now outsourcing their scams?

Hmmm?! I might forgive the punctuation and grammar (Regiment) but I've not know too many soldiers entering their fifth year in Iraq.

No!
As if I haven't heard this enough asking for dates.

=-=
Joe came home from work last night and sat down in front of the TV in his favorite chair and said to his wife Anne, "Quick get me a beer before it starts."

Anne looked puzzled but got him one.

When he finished it, Joe said, "Quick get me another beer before it starts."

This time Ann looked a bit peeved, but got him one.

Joe finished that one and said, "Quick get me another one before it starts."

"That's it!" Anne blew up "You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello and expect me to run around like your slave and get you beer after beer."

"Oh *****" says Joe "I'ts started."

=-=

Truly embarrassing flashback from fifteen years ago about piracy About halfway down the page.

Stupid Dog Tricks

Is this my next lens?
I wasn't really in the market for one but I did get a coupon with the advert.
{Please note the camera attached to the lens.} And it includes a doubler! Phew!}

Furniture from weapons?.
I liked the dragon and elephant.

A link to an interesting news story.


Beer! It's not just for drinking anymore. (^o^)
Oh. If you're thinking of beer, might as well has have some polka music to go with it. I have no idea why anyone would send me that. I haven't polka'd in years. [:o]

World's Largest Loo?
Image that looks a lot like a giant toilet.
I love Google Earth.

Nora (the cat) plays piano.
I never realized she played. No wonder she didn't last long at the dojo.

Briton becomes first man to run around world.
LONDON (AFP) - A 40-year-old British man will on Tuesday become the first person recognised as having run around the world, according to the Guinness Book of World Records.

Robert Garside will run into Picadilly Circus in central London, where he began his first attempt to jog around the world in December 1996, to be presented with a certificate by authorities from the publication.
My bones ache just thinking about it.


New Zealand schoolgirls find there no "C" in Ribena.
WELLINGTON (Reuters) - Global drugs giant GlaxoSmithKline faces a court case on Tuesday for misleading advertising after two 14-year-olds found its popular blackcurrant drink Ribena contained almost no vitamin C.

High school students Anna Devathasan and Jenny Suo tested the children's drink against advertising claims that "the blackcurrants in Ribena have four times the vitamin C of oranges" in 2004.



Extra cheese, no deadbeats.
CINCINNATI (AP) - Customers at some suburban pizza parlors are getting something extra with their pepperoni and mushrooms - wanted posters for parents accused of failing to pay child support.

The idea came to Cynthia Brown, executive director of the Butler County Child Enforcement Agency, while she was ordering pizza.


Toronto charges 72-year-old defence lawyer with drug trafficking
TORONTO (CP) - Toronto police say they've charged a 72-year-old lawyer with drug trafficking.

Police allege the man trafficked the drugs to inmates in the city's Don Jail. They say they arrested him on Tuesday after receiving a call about a "suspicious incident" at the jail.

Edmund Schofield, of Stratford, Ont., has been charged with trafficking marijuana and cocaine and possession of marijuana.
Finally, a lawyer I might trust and he gets arrested.

Owner says her golden retriever saved her with the Heimlich maneuver
CALVERT, Md. (AP) - Toby, a 2-year-old golden retriever, saw his owner choking on a piece of fruit and began jumping up and down on the woman's chest. The dog's owner believes the dog was trying to perform the Heimlich maneuver and saved her life.

Debbie Parkhurst, 45, of Calvert told the Cecil Whig she was eating an apple at her home Friday when a piece lodged in her throat. She attempted to perform the Heimlich maneuver on herself but it didn't work. After she began beating on her chest, she said Toby noticed and got involved.
Finally, a dog I might trust.

Daredevil condemned for escalator stunt
LONDON (Reuters) - A man who filmed himself skiing down the longest escalator on London's underground rail network was branded "dangerous, stupid and irresponsible" Wednesday.

The man hurtled down nearly 200 feet at Angel tube station with a camera strapped to his head and posted the video on the YouTube Web site.
Not to mention riding the beginner slope. Cupcake!

Man: Ex' sex change should end alimony
CLEARWATER, Fla. - Lawrence Roach agreed to pay alimony to the woman he divorced, not the man she became after a sex change, his lawyers argued Tuesday in an effort to end the payments. But the ex-wife's attorneys said the operation doesn't alter the agreement.

The lawyers and Circuit Judge Jack R. St. Arnold agreed the case delves into relatively unchartered legal territory. They found only a 2004 Ohio case that addressed whether or not a transsexual could still collect alimony after a sex change.


Mont. town uses snowplows for tumbleweed
BOZEMAN, Mont. - Montana residents are used to digging themselves out after heavy snowstorms, but residents of one neighborhood had to put a snowplow to different use: clearing mounds of tumbleweed from their driveways.

Winds flooded a Springhill-area neighborhood with tumbleweed Tuesday, covering sheds, burying mailboxes and blocking a street and driveways.